


i touch myself

by JuliaBC



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Gen, TW: Past Sexual Assault, tw: masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29748159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaBC/pseuds/JuliaBC
Summary: Maddie tries something outside of her comfort zone.TW: This discusses masturbation. If that is a topic that you aren't comfortable with, please do not read.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	i touch myself

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place near the end of the second season, when Maddie and Chimney haven't gotten back together yet. (So 2.15,16,17)

Maddie didn't know how to respond when Frank gave her the business card, and suggested she give them a call.

She stared at the laminated card in her hand; it was pink, glossy, and had bold lettering. She considered calling the number, and then shoved it into her purse.

Of all the therapy Maddie needed, sex therapy didn't make the list. She wasn't in a relationship right now, and she knew that Chimney would likely never speak to her again after how she'd broken up with him.

He deserved better. Maddie was a work in progress, and after everything that happened with Doug...she couldn't imagine making Chimney deal with more of her problems. So she'd called it off. Kissed him goodbye. Left him at dinner.

She didn't know what else to say. She didn't deserve a man as good and kind as Chimney, not after the price he'd paid for loving her.

So it was over.

And now Frank was trying to get her to see a sex therapist. Maddie couldn't imagine anything more ludicrous. She didn't need sex, she didn't deserve that kind of pleasure. She'd lived without it for years, and now she'd make do.

Yet as the day wore on, and Maddie spent another long day answering 911 calls, the little card in her purse called to her.

Was it worth a call?

* * *

It took her another two weeks to finally call the number. She'd tried, and hard, to get it off of her mind, but it never stopped lurking there.

The therapist's name was Rashida Summers, and Maddie was able to schedule a phone appointment online.

Now was the moment. Maddie drew a breath, and dialed the number.

* * *

**Sessions Transcripts Pt. 1**

* * *

" _Why do you think you don't deserve pleasure, Maddie?"_

"Because."

" _That's not an answer."_

"You know, I murdered my husband. That's one."

" _It was self defense."_

"Doesn't always feel like that."

" _I need an answer, Maddie."_

"I don't know."

" _Can I take a guess? Doug weaponized your sexuality for so long that you felt like you had to completely close off that part of yourself. Once you'd finally begun to let someone in, Doug came back, and punished you for that. Don't let him take away this part of you, Maddie. You do deserve sex. You do deserve pleasure. Doug doesn't get to make that decision for you."_

"Where do I even start? What am I supposed to do?"

" _There are a couple places. I'm going to give you some affirmations, and I want you to try masturbating."_

That was the point that Maddie almost dropped the phone.

"You want me to what?"

* * *

**Sessions Transcripts Pt. 2**

* * *

"No, I didn't try it yet."

" _That's okay. You need to go at your own pace. How are you doing on the affirmations?"_

"It just feels silly to stand in front of a mirror and say things like that."

" _Let me ask you something, Maddie. If a friend of yours, a woman, asked you to encourage her, compliment her, would you feel awkward doing so?"_

"Probably not. I've never had that many female friends though."

" _Alright, perhaps that's not a great example. What about if I told you that I was feeling insecure, that I needed some positive affirmations?"_

"Then I would let you know that you're doing fine."

" _Just fine?"_

Maddie could hear the light note of sarcasm in Rashida's voice, and she didn't know how to reply. She looked at the affirmation cards in her hands, and sighed.

"You're worth it," she began.

" _I want you to go to a mirror, while we're still talking, and I want you to say those things to me over the phone. But I want you to look at yourself while you say them. Hold eye contact with your reflection."_

It just felt cheesy. Maddie wasn't going to lie to herself, but she stood up, reluctantly going over to the mirror.

" _Go ahead."_

"You are special." Maddie looked at the cards again, faltering. "You deserve love."

" _Maddie, why don't you say 'I am' instead of 'you are'?"_

Maddie swallowed, shifting from foot to foot. "Because I don't believe it," she finally said.

" _You don't yet. But your body listens to what it hears. If you never tell yourself these things, how do you expect to ever believe them?"_

Maddie cleared her throat, breathing in. "I am special," she began. "I deserve love. I deserve pleasure. I am a sexual being." She faltered again, but kept talking, drawing in a breath. "Sexual pleasure is a beautiful gift that I deserve to receive."

Did she deserve it? Maddie scoffed, doubting the words as she said them. She had gotten the kindest man she'd ever met nearly killed. What did she deserve? "I explore and embrace my sexual desires."

Definitely not true. Maddie hadn't done any exploring in a very long time. Even after the masturbating recommendation, she hadn't looked into it, and she'd placed a very firm barrier in her mind from even contemplating it. "I am full of sexual energy."

Was she? Did she dare even think that? Did she dare think about what that meant?

"I am grateful for my body and the sexual pleasure it provides me."

She felt tears in her eyes, and her throat was suddenly clogged. She fought to speak the next words, but she didn't want to. Her hand had fallen to her side; to where Doug had stabbed her. Who knew if it would even feel good? Experimenting sounded absolutely terrifying.

"Um, that's all I can do right now," she said.

" _You did great, Maddie. Why don't we stop here, okay?"_

* * *

Maddie didn't schedule a third appointment, and she stopped doing the affirmations after a few days. She always got stuck at the same one, and she just stopped trying. It hurt too much, and she just didn't think it would help. Work remained the same. Chimney didn't call. Maddie didn't try to call him.

She spent about fifteen minutes on her phone every night with his contact pulled up, however. Her finger hovered over the call button. Finally she'd shut her phone off, and force herself to fall asleep.

She refused to think more about other things Rashida had said. She wasn't going to masturbate. That was still just ridiculous.

Wasn't it?

She lay in bed, a few weeks after her second therapy appointment, unable to sleep.

She had never had much luck with self pleasure to start. As a teenager, she hadn't felt comfortable exploring her body, not with the parents she'd had. After getting her into his bed, Doug had no longer paid any mind to Maddie's pleasure. He'd always taken what he wanted, and then left her alone.

Sex was almost synonymous with pain for Maddie. Even on days when she'd let Doug just do what he would, it hadn't been anything close to pleasure. She'd lie still, maybe fake enthusiasm if she thought it would set him off if she didn't. She'd just let it happen, silently pray for it to be over. She'd dreaded sex the most; sex was when she'd been most vulnerable. She'd try to keep her nightgown on, she'd try to stay covered by sheets, but Doug took twisted pleasure in making her bare herself completely to him; he could probably sense how much she'd wanted to stay covered up, and had resented that.

Maddie lay in bed, tears running down her cheeks, and she tried to think about other things, but the only thought in her mind was memories of Doug forcing himself on her. She'd stopped saying no after the first few times, but that didn't mean she had ever been a willing partner.

She stared into the darkness, hating herself for everything that had happened. She hated that she'd let Doug in. She hated herself for Chimney having almost died at Doug's hands. She hated herself for hurting Chimney even more when she'd left his apartment.

She didn't deserve anything. Not happiness. Not pleasure.

But what was life if you hated yourself? What was the point of denying her body something it had always craved? What did it really mean to deny herself the pleasure she'd never experienced?

Was she going to let Doug take away even more from her?

* * *

She scheduled another session with Rashida; she bought the vibrator that Rashida recommended. She bought bubble bath, and wine.

She took Rashida's words to heart, and took it very slowly, but it led to bed.

It led to Maddie in bed. It led to Maddie holding her vibrator, too terrified to turn it on.

It led to her just lying there, in the dark, her hair still damp from the bath. The buzz from the wine had faded.

And it was now or never.

Maddie pressed the button, hearing the device start with a buzz. She winced at the noise, even though she was alone in her apartment. She breathed in and out, repeating the affirmations.

_I am grateful for my body and the sexual pleasure it provides me._

Maddie gently lowered the toy to between her legs, jerking in surprise when it first touched her. Her legs were shaking, in anticipation, or in fear. Maddie couldn't even tell which was which.

_My bed is a peaceful sanctuary where I feel safe and satisfied._

Her bed had never been a sanctuary; it had been a prison.

But it was time to change that.

She pressed the toy between her legs, shocking herself by moaning as it touched her inner folds. She closed her eyes, letting her body guide her to the spot that would give her the most pleasure.

_I am worthy of love and kindness from others._

She turned the setting up higher, gasping as the vibrations lit up her clitoris, and gave her pleasure she had never before experienced.

_I pay attention and listen to what my body needs._

She slowed down, resting, waiting to see what her body wanted. She turned the vibrator back on, turning it up as high as it went. She could feel the pleasure building, and when she finally shattered, Maddie felt like her whole world had just stopped.

Her whole body just released. Her legs twitched, and she shuddered as waves of pleasure swept over her whole body. Maddie dropped the vibrator, turning it off, and let the tears in her eyes finally fall.

It wasn't her usual tears, however. They were tears of gratefulness, now. Tears of relief. Tears of release.

She breathed in, feeling her world readjust.

There was another affirmation Rashida had given her, one she'd hesitated to tell herself, but now she spoke it out loud.

"My sex life is exciting and it makes me feel happy to be alive."

The words hung in the air, and Maddie breathed out. Somehow, she believed it.

She grabbed her phone, her hand hovering over Chimney's name on her contact list once more.

No. She'd go see him at the firehouse. He deserved that much, he deserved to be told in person.

She wanted to be with him. She wanted to let herself love again. She wanted to gift her body with pleasure, and she wanted to give Chimney the same pleasure. She wanted to rewrite her past, and stop letting what Doug had done define what Maddie would do.

He didn't get to have any more say in her life.

She turned the vibrator back on, shutting off her phone, and let the toy wash her away. She could feel years of tension sliding away, and she knew that this was just a start; she was nowhere near healed, she had more work to do.

But this was helping. This was therapy. She was learning things about her body that she'd never known, and she was teaching herself to finally, for the first time, love herself. To love her body. To love what she'd been given, and fully celebrate her sexuality.

She gave into the vibrations, feeling her body pulse again as an orgasm overtook her. It was time to start living life on her own terms, and to leave her past behind.

Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> It is really hard for many abuse survivors to get to a place where they are comfortable with their bodies sexually again. While I understand that primetime TV is probably not the best area to address some of these issues, I think it's a pity that Maddie's sexual trauma wasn't addressed as well. I might try to write more for this, perhaps a few other works where Maddie faces other sexual hurdles, such as her first time with Chimney.
> 
> I got some of Maddie's affirmations here: https://www.thesexologist.org/blog/27-positive-affirmations-for-sexual-confidence
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


End file.
